A friend recently said to me, “your relationship with your father has not ended, it is just different now”

We keep him alive through our memories. A larger than life personality who can never fade.  

The influence a father has on a son and a daughter is immense. 

The past few weeks have reminded me of how much dad has influenced my life and still does today.  Would he say it like this, would he do it like that, would he approve of this and so on.

Dad lived a full life and achieved so much, always with his fantastic sense of fun and style wherever possible.

He was born to his mother Amy, a florist and his father Robert, a world war two veteran.  Dad grew up at 11 Timbercroft, Ewell in Surrey and was brother to Keith, Michael and Barbara.

He went to Grammar school, then Kingston Art College and completed a master’s degree at the Royal College of Art.  Dad was a masterful draftsman and a brilliant designer which clearly helped shape most of his life thereafter.

Dad met mum, Jill, while at Kingston Art college.  Alexia was born shortly after and I popped out 3 years later.  After starting life together in Clapham, mum and dad moved to Wimbledon where Lexi and I spent most of our childhood.

Dad’s career spanned many disciplines as a set designer at Ewerts, a photographers agent, then as a producer for commercial film production companies, Garrets , Terry Taylors and  a little later his own production company with his old friend Mike Milburn Foster. He was also a prolific producer and head of TV at various advertising agencies. Young and Rubicam, Davidson Pearce and Ogilvy and Mather.

Dad was well respected amongst his peers for his talent, straight talking, wit, charm and of course good humour.
For fun, dad loved playing rugby for Esher and here as he did at work, made many strong friendships that lasted his lifetime.  He was a party animal and was always up for a laugh and a very good time.

After mum and dad separated, Dad spent 14 adventurous years with Pamela.  It was at their house in Runfold, that dad put his house building skills to work.  He renovated and converted the Old bakery into a wonderful home.
Dad would make sure our days together were full.  He would take us horse riding, out for days at the beach, long walks, swimming, fancy restaurants, hotels and many glorious holidays.  So many great memories.

When Dad and Pam’s relationship came to an end, he began dating Jenny whom he was eventually to marry.  I had the honour of being his best man, as he was best man for me when I married Rosanna. 

Jenny and dad moved to their first home, Nell House in Wiltshire and he set about making his mark on this house.  A few years later they then moved to Hill House which dad converted and extended with impressive vision into a spectacular country setting.  After 19 years, Dad and Jenny went their separate ways. 

It is a testament to dad, that the three main loves of his life are all here today.  While all three of you ladies endured difficult times, you can also all put a smile on each of your faces when you think of all the fun times you had with him too.  He loved each of you in his way and in his time.  Lexi and I of course also cherish those times with you all. Thank you.

Dad now single and in his sixties, embarked on his journey across Europe where he eventually settled in Italy.  He discovered a gem of a house in the countryside called Casa Canaletti.  However, it was a ruin. Half of this 3 story house was missing.  Dad was to take on his greatest design and build challenge yet.  He spent four years living on site in a caravan and even in his shed at times. I was worried about him as was so gruelling, but he said he was fine as he always did and was even beginning to make friends with the local scorpions, so everything was alright, clearly. 

His friends in Italy and the UK certainly proved a great strength to him during this time as it was one hell of a task to take on alone in a foreign country.

What he achieved in renovating and developing this house was a truly remarkable feat as anyone who visited will testify.  Modest though he was, even he admitted he was proud of his achievement.
After 7 years, dad decided to return to Blighty and chose to settle down here in Bisley.  Again, beautifully converting and renovating his new home, Ingleside into another gem of house.

Dads energy and passion to keep evolving was remarkable, even at 76.  He was working on a new development in Italy with the aim of spending many more summers in Loro Piceno. This is why it is so hard to lose him so suddenly when he had so much love of life left.

We can all be thankful for his part he played in all of our lives. While many of us will have been through challenging times with him over the years and had difficult conversations on occasion.  We will also all have witnessed his generosity, passion, charm, wit, wicked sense of humour and kindness.  The tributes received from friends and family have been truly heart warming over the past couple of weeks.  Dad has been referred to as a gentleman, a kind man, great friend, a generous heart and above all, a legend.  He was larger than life and even though his body has left us, his presence will never be lost.

Some of his Italian friends have also paid tribute in the last few days.
Pitore wrote, 

"My dear friend Alan, today I will share a nice bottle of wine with friends and we will remember the many wonderful moments we shared, you are special and had a great style in everything you did, have a nice flight in the universe and sometimes we sure will hear your loud laugh around, thank you for being that nice funny lovely man. ??"

Giuseppe also wrote,
"I am so sad... A gentleman and a very beautiful person. R. I. P Alan ??????"

There are many sweet, fun, generous and tender moments dad gave us, that have littered all of our lives throughout.
Let me share a few of these moments precious to Lexi and I.

It was Easter. Lexi and I were with dad and Pam at the house in Runfold. Lexi was barely a teen and I of course 3 years younger, but we were aware enough that this particular year, times had been tough.  The time came for dad and Pam to give us our chocolate Easter Eggs.  Dad and Pam would always give us huge luxury chocolate eggs, but this year was different.  Lexi and I received a very small cardboard egg each.  I tried to hold back my disappointment, but went through the opening of the cardboard egg expecting at least a small offering of chocolate.  But the horror was to continue, it wasn’t chocolate inside, but a carrot.  We both received a single carrot.  Dad explained how times were hard and apologised.  The tears followed obviously.

Eventually dad started laughing and said, “ok kids. I now want you to take your carrots and walk to the field up the road.  When you get there, you have to shout out the name, ‘Bilbo’”.  We both ran up the road and I’m thinking the whole time, what kind of chocolate is called Bilbo?  We arrive at the field, duly screamed ‘Bilbo’. Suddenly a pony runs over to us.  Dad and Pam had bought us a pony.  I’m still looking for that chocolate though.

He could also be serious and fun in the same moment. Like my first day at an incredible boarding school dad sent me to when I was 15. There were of course more girls than there were boys. Thanks dad. As we walked around the grounds, dad explained how important it was that I knuckled down and worked hard. He then smiled, put his arm around me and said, "welcome to nookie camp son".

I would like to tell you one more story that defines a lot of what dad was about.  Sometimes he could be difficult, but his love would always shine through in the end and this story illustrates this for me.

When I was 10 years old, dad and Pam had taken Lexi and I on a road trip holiday to Spain.  We had stopped off mid route at a hotel for the evening half way across France.  During dinner dad had spotted that I was down so later that evening he led me out to the side of the outdoor pool and we sat on a couple of sun loungers to talk.  Things had been difficult and I was worried about the future.  He allayed my fears and told me he loved me and that everything would be alright.  Then said,”come on son, stand up I’m going to teach you something”.  With that, he held my hand and we both stood fully clothed at the edge of the swimming pool.
We were just about to jump in when we got disturbed and were told to step away from the pool.  We went to bed and never discussed this again.

Many years later, just a few years ago in fact, I was visiting dad at his new house in Italy.  We had dinner under the stars by his summer house, drank wine and put the world to rights.  Eventually we decided to call it a night and started walking up to the main house. As we walked past the pool we both suddenly stopped.  Looked at each other, smiled, didn’t say a word, held each other’s hand and jumped fully clothed into the pool.  We burst out laughing and hugged each other.  Dad then said. “I’ve been waiting to do that for 30 years”.

So what dad was saying to me and in his own way to all of us over the years, as he did himself.  Hold hands, love each other, jump in and embrace life.

My last words to dad in the hospital were,” I love you dad, now stop messing about and let’s get you down the pub” 

So with that I invite you all to please join us at the pub and raise a glass to him.  He is already at the bar.